Biting Insect University

I must appologize for the rather hastily sketched picture to the left. I really didn't want to stay around long enough to arouse the attention of the students, alumunus, or staff. As I was drawing, I couldn't help but notice some students with thick glasses, slide rule holsters, and pocket protectors who had lined up some water droplets on a window ledge, and were using them as magnification to draw a bead on my location. So, unfortunately, ... it was sketch-and-run, and for all my effort at concealment, some of them still got me.

I suppose the idea of an institution for educating Maine's biting insects might seem a bit far-fetched, like the addled working of a mind that has suffered too many bites, or the confused cogitation of a codger who has spent too much time in the woods. While I don't entirely rule out those two uncomplimentary possibilities, consider the following observations and draw your own conclusions.

When Blackflies first appear in the spring they fly around bumping into things, and acting like total idiots. As you might have guessed, these are the dolts who shot spit balls, never cracked a book, sassed the teachers, and eventually after repeated diciplinary problems, dropped out of school. They get it that they are supposed to fly around and bother people, and they do that OK, but the part about biting was on the hand-out page they tore up to make spit balls.

These insect equivalents of Bart Simpson are easily recognizable by the Bite-U ball cap worn backwards, and it's obvious lack of a "Graduate" emblem.

Although it's interesting to discuss the dufus factor in biting insects, It's the character to the left, the graduate, who is the real menace. These individuals have spent many hours in classes devoted to stealth, confusing touch-and-go landings, and gang attacks. Many of them have taken extra credit courses in crawling under clothing and biting at the sock-line, or under wrist watch straps.

As annoying as the well educated Blackflies can be, it's the PHD toting Mosquitos that can take stealth to a stellar level. These doctorate level graduates are the ones that enter your bedroom and stay out of sight, probably under the bed, until the lights go out. Just as you are falling asleep, you either detect contact (ouch!), or hear the dismaying whine of wings carrying a bug that is up to no good.

Attempts to detect and down these enemies of a good nights sleep can look amusingly like search-lights during an air raid as flashlight beams are whipped about looking for the pests. A resounding slap followed by the welcome words, "'Got 'im", is the only thing that signals the all clear, and ushers in a reasonable hope of sleep ... unless ... there happens to be more than one!

One memorable encounter with one of these characters involved an individual who attempted several approaches, and would wait an incredible 30 minutes between attempts. In the end, the big-brained human with that handy opposable thumb reduced her to a satisfying brown smudge in one sleepy swat. This was obviously one young lady who applied herself to the process of getting a superior "Bite You" education. 'Hate to have those genetics get replicated!